“Once upon a time there was a perfect wall.”
She would hide behind it.
The wall would tuck her away from her fears and insecurities and all the times she thought about the word no. Every time she felt the word no she would hide behind the perfect wall. It was comfortable there, it was just large enough to cover her; she could snuggle up to it like a blanket and no one would guess she was hiding at all. It was dependable, too. She could make the bad things go away whenever she needed them to.
As she grew older, though, the wall didn’t always fit quite right. She had to adjust. Sometimes she had to bend down to hide the top of her head, and other times she had stand sideways instead of facing the front. It was disconcerting. The wall existed for her because other things had let her down. What was she supposed to do when the wall disappointed her, too?
The worst day was when the wall went away. She searched and searched for her hiding place. It was missing. She wailed and wailed and cried out. Her insides were raw and her outsides didn’t matter anymore. Now she could see the no. She could feel the pain. She was terrified.
It was hard to say goodbye to the wall. A couple of times, she thought she felt its phantom arms close around her, but she knew she was just imagining things. A few years later, she felt for sure like the wall had returned, but instead of embracing her it felt more like she was being strangled. Without the wall, she felt more vulnerable, but then she thought, I am I supposed to be? Maybe it was better this way.
Maybe.
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