Tour De Castle

A window in a castle,

that overlooks the sea,

a loud obnoxious tour guide,

tells of what there used to be.

“a million soldiers here and there!”

He says they battled to the death,

“They escaped out of this window here”

He fogs it with his breath.

“the treasure here was mostly robbed,”

the guide begins with glee,

“by peasants, poor, without a job.”

And then he points at me?

“Ah, now see this fellow here,”

He begins to walk my way,

“back then he would have played a lyre!”

I yawn and look away,

“His build is thick, broad, and strong,”

Is he still ranting on about me?

“watch out girls, Spartans don’t live long!”

Someone just whistled, kill me now please.

I mumble something about restrooms,

and wrench myself away,

I really want to learn something,

but that’s not happening today.

I walk back to the window,

and look out to the sea,

History seems to be flourishing,

all around me.

I close my eyes in content,

wishing I could explore,

the guide comes up behind me,

“Will you continue our tour?”

“No thanks.” I say politely,

but my response is too canned,

He looks both ways,

Then slips a key in my hand,

“Good luck.” He says solemnly,

He leaves with a wink,

I stare at the key,

my mind’s on the brink!

So many locks,

on so many doors.

The whole castle before me,

is mine to explore,

I am off in just seconds,

the halls are my ride,

I’m off and exploring,

Thank you tour guide. 

Home

Desperation. That feeling you get when Plan A, and Plan B fall through. When there is no way out. A mesh of emotions that entangle your every breath. That leave you waiting for the end. 

There was so much ice. Everywhere I looked, there was ice. Not water, not sky, not any   form of life. Just ice.  I needed out. I could feel my blood cooling inside my body, and my heart slowing to a stop. My self-awareness had long since gone, and all I knew was that I needed home.

Seconds went by, and light filtered the room. I was home.

You think you know what you're in for. What you will say in every situation that may come up in this crazy dynamic that you’ve had a part in creating. How you will act. You may even rehearse your words. You might check your facial expressions in the mirror to make sure you're able to convey the message you want to send.

And when you're there in that moment, you probably end up speaking from your heart, fumbling the lines you rehearsed, forgetting your expressions you practiced, not caring that you're talking in a run-on sentence because it's coming from a place that's real and true and damn it, it's much too exhausting to know or care where the boundaries are or should be sometimes.

They say when you look back on it all, you'll see things much differently than you did at the time. You may dismiss the rough parts. You may exaggerate them. You will forget things that happen. You WILL create memories to fill in the gaps.

But you already know that.

Even in the moment.

And you speak with your heart anyway, knowing it still may not be enough.