I wanted to write something quick and this is what occurred as soon as I opened Word...
Dear Mr. Bertram,
I am
writing on behalf of all of the juniors at Scott High when I say we did not
realize that was your car we egged in the McDonald’s parking lot. (Although,
let’s be honest, there was a lot more than Egg McMuffin on that paint job.) As
teenagers, we make foolish decisions, most of them wildly uninformed. If we had
known the 1997 Chevy Impala had belonged to you prior to the vandalistic acts,
we would have gone with a different breakfast item; perhaps a sausage and egg
biscuit or hotcakes—I hear maple syrup does a number on cars.
I will
not, however, apologize for the beautiful work done by my class on your shitty
car. Yes, it was wrong to vandalize, but you have to sit back and admire the
effort of talented stars like Jeff Smith and Lindsey Thomas. Without the
superior artistic training they have received at your educational complex they
could not have intimated so much frustration through a simple design as that of
your balding head. The shading of your pedophile mustache really proved the
versatility of safety glass and ketchup packets as new artistic mediums. I hope
you have taken pictures and strongly encourage you to enter them into the
county’s art contest—for they breathe creativity in every way.
Most of
all, I wish that you have gained some insight from this experience, too. We juniors at Scott High have
gained new experience in personal expression, protest, and efficient use of
resources (pooling out money for all eighty five of those egg sandwiches, for
example). If it were me, I would be proud of such a vibrant, ambitious class—and
do everything in my power to stay on their good side. Perhaps you should
consider returning free wifi services to Scott High? This is just a suggestion.
Above all, I hope you understand that this is only the
beginning.
Hoping you make smart decisions,
The Junior Class
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